The Monster Weekly

Flora wasn’t raised in the jungle but she spent most of her life wishing she was.
To be as tall as the Kapok Trees, as wild as the waxy bromeliads–
To hang upside down and sloth it out–
Or stealthily step like a panther towards prey.

One year for Halloween she covered herself in green construction paper leaves.
She tied strips of old bedsheets to her arms and glued plastic monkeys all the way up her spine.

When she arrived at school, all of the other monsters in her class were dressed as zombies or Frankensteins or Taylor Swifts.  Flora thought to herself, “If Halloween means you can be ANYTHING in the world, why would you want to be something that everyone else is?”  Confused by this gross lack of imagination, Flora shrugged and spent the entire school day concentrating deeply on standing very still and then suddenly jumping out at people. read more

Now, we know you’ve got other things to the think about:
School.
Piano lessons.
Yom Kippur.
Thanksgiving.

But drop everything!  CHRISTMAS is what you really need to be focusing on!
What will you get your Great Aunt Lucinda?
What does Uncle Julius really need?
Your little sister, Sabrina?
Your big brother, Oscar?
What about your portly music teacher, Mr. Honeybuckets?

And most importantly, what do YOU want?
What object do you need NOW, more than ever?

Would you like to rip the wrapping off a brand new claw sharpener?
Tear the tissue to reveal your very own poisonous porcupine pants?
Or maybe you want to lift the lid to uncover a one-of-a-kind toothbrush carved from the tusk of a recently thawed woolly mammoth?

All these fabulous finds and much more can be found in the Uffelman Christmas Collection, designed exclusively for BULLSEYE.

Or maybe you just wanted to go trick-or-treating…

Too bad.  It’s CHRISTMAS!

Roberto Mascara, a monSTAR of a name!
Roberto Mascara, you’re the picture of fame!
With your sky-scraping forehead and sinewy frame,
You outshine the sun and set fire to flame.

On those fretful evenings when you simply cannot sleep,
In the dismal darkness as you toss and turn,
Your thoughts are jumbled, bumbled, there’s no hope of counting sheep,
Your feet twitch and your stomach starts to burn.

There’s a reason that the hours seem to tick tick tock away;
There’s a someone that’s responsible for this.
It’s a monster that delights in keeping restful winks at bay,
And destroys your brief but blessed bedtime bliss.

My brain is getting bigger.
My brain is growing every day.
My brain is expanding– the more I read, the bigger it gets.

All the monsters at school have begun to talk.
All the monsters are whispering and pointing.
All the monsters seem to be laughing at me.

Every September
The wooded-ones gathered
To listen to old Wilhelmina, the Wise

For she had the greatest,
The grandest, most glorious,
Most sacred story to share.

I’m a Just-One-Thing
Come from a long line of Just-One-Things

In our Just-One-Thing family
If you’re a one-eyed monster, you’re only a one-eyed monster
If you’re a purple monster, you’re only a purple monster
If you’re a girl monster, you’re only a girl monster

Betty and Eugene met on a blind date.
Literally.
Because although Eugene had an impressive set of eleven eyes,
They were merely decorative, cosmetic.

On the third Thursday of every month
Every monster west of Winchelsea River celebrated
EYEBROW DAY!
Anyone who was anybody went to Fuzzy’s Eyebrow Emporium to buy new eyebrows.
Why?
Because there was a SALE of course!
Buy one, get one half off!