The Monster Weekly

Monster Personals

Single one-eyed monster seeks frightening companion.
No need for roses or violets or any of that junk.
Looking for a monster with a strong work ethic, who appreciates the complexities of scaring children and actively seeks out new and creative ways to shock, creep, and terrify.  My ideal partner shares my enthusiasm for slime, enjoys shadow-dancing and makes a killer lasagna.
Could you be the one?

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I saw you, monster in red.
You swept into the reception area like a dream in dazzling red.
I was wearing an old brown sweater and had a cheeseburger in my hands.
I looked into your eyes and you looked right back into mine.
I turned away, like one does–
And when I glanced back…
You were still staring at me!
You had a sparkle in your eye and I’m pretty sure you winked at me as Mayonnaised ketchup dribbled out of the sides of my mouth.
I thought…are you my dream monster?
I’m going in next week to get my wound drained and my bandages changed…
Hope to see you there.

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Even monsters need love.
Scaring is great, but all screams eventually dissipate.
Haunting is thrilling, but it can get lonely.
Creeping and crawling, rattling and roaring are all fun and good, but inevitably you get tired, or tear your pants, or start to lose your voice.

At the end of the work night, when all is said and done, I want someone to come home to.  Someone to make pancakes with and watch the sun rise.  Someone who will get excited about old episodes of “CHiPS” and who will massage my goiters. I’m looking for a real love connection.

Also I like blondes.